The Orc Inn,
with reserved
parking for
important chariots

(When Steve Brown showed up at GenCon XII, he wanted to enter his
fantastic “underground orc castle” in the figure painting contest sponsored by
TSR Periodicals. It didn’t qualify for any category, but we couldn’t ignore it! want to keep the riff-raff humans, elves and dwarves out of the area.
Steve got a special award, The Dragon got some photographs of his work, and
Steve talked into a tape recorder for a while to provide this “guided tour” for
The best in orc lodging is available at the inn, and the prices are right.
TD’s readers.)

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to this special guided tour of the
secret underground castle of the orcs. Please stay with the group at all
times, and don’t touch anything if you want to leave with the same
number of fingers you came with.

Now we’re just inside the main gate, where we can see a party of
sentry orcs preparing to scout the area for unaccompanied humans and
other creatures. The orcs fancy themselves a very cultured group and
want to keep the riff-raff humans, elves and dwarves out of the area.

The best in orc lodging is available at the inn, and the prices are right.
According to the sign, it’s 4 cp a night for a bed, 6 cp for a pot-luck
dinner, 2 cp for housekeeping, but there’s a limit of five to a bed.

The guard dog at the gate seems to be giving a passer-by a little
trouble, but all he can do is growl as long as he’s chained to the wall.
Near the gate is a party of scavengers coming back with more wood for
construction inside the castle.

Now we’re passing the parking-lot area, which contains two of the
orcs’ more impressive chariots: The big, bad Lord’s chariot and the
“living chariot” of the Wizard, with eyes that glow!

Weapons, weapons
everywhere
in the guard room

Follow me past the loading-dock area into the guard room. As we
enter, you can see on the left the commander’s office, his desk, recruiting
posters, and bulletin board.  The commander's bedroom is upstairs.

The guard room also serves as an armory, where all the orcs’
weapons are kept in case of a combat alert. The soldiers have a
fireman’s pole to slide down so they can answer an alert in less time than
it takes to eat a hobbit. The armory is full of captured weapons, everything
from crossbows to dwarven hammers, which are prizes from past
conquests.
 

You can get
anything you want
at the
Green Slime Grill

Now we’re down to the second level, where one of the main
attractions is the Singing One’s Tavern and Green Slime Grill.

As we enter (keep single file against the wall, please), it’s obvious
that the orcs here are having one heck of a good time. Most of them are
just singing and carousing, but there’s a small fight going on in the back
of the bar. Two greater orcs seem to have the upper hand against five or
six lesser orcs, who should have known better.

The piano player, bless his little green heart, is doing his best to
drown out the noise. Several patrons are sprawled out after emptying
too many tankards and don’t seem to care a bit about the commotion. It
takes a special kind of bartender to keep the spirits flowing for this many
revelers. The mixologist on duty, as you can see, comes adequately
outfitted with an extra pair of arms.

The Green Slime Grill has an excellent menu offering the finest in
orcish cuisine, such as slop, swill and gruel. Specialties of the house
include a hobbit for 1 sp (cheese is 2 cp extra); elf (in season) for 3 sp;
roast dwarf for 1 gp, and roast baby for 2 gp. We can’t stop to eat now,
but the next time you have the chance, stop at the sign of the golden
orches for a McGoblin’s quarter-pound hobbitburger!
 

The kitchen
and wine cellar
are popular spots

Mad Ruthie, the castle cook, has a big job keeping the kitchen
stocked. The fireplace is lit at all hours of the day and night so a new feast
can be prepared at any time. After all, there are only a couple of things
orcs like to do more than eat. Although none of them have terribly
sensitive taste buds, they like to think they do. That’s why the pantry,
next to the kitchen, is loaded with such a variety of vittles: hams, geese,
ducks, rabbits, canned goods, cheeses; you name it and the orcs have it,
or they can get it — cheaper than wholesale!

Let’s move quickly through the wine cellar; there seems to be a
young orc making a proposition to a female along the back wall, and we
don’t want to embarrass him. The only thing worse than an embarrassed
orc is an embarrassed orc who’s hungry. Above the wine cellar is the
accountant’s office. He is reputed to be one of the wealthiest inhabitants
of this underground world, although none of the orcs can figure out why
since his restaurant keeps showing a loss every year.

The barber

Here’s the third level, where the first room we’ll visit is the barber
shop.

The barber usually has other things on his mind besides cutting hair,
as you can see by the price list. He only charges 2 cp for a haircut and 1
cp for a shave — but if you want it without nicks, that’ll be 9 cp extra.
He’ll also sharpen fangs for 4 cp each (assuming, of course, that his
insurance policy is paid up). Notice the barbershop’s “wallpaper”: if you
could stand around and look at that all day, you wouldn’t care much
about cutting hair, either.

A good hunt

Now we’re in the orcs’ recreation room, where a lot of the hard,
serious business of relaxing goes on. The game of billiards is different
from the one humans play; as you can see, the balls aren’t marked as
stripes and solids because the orcs don’t believe in discrimination. Of
course, that makes it hard to keep score, and that leads to fights — which
is what orc recreation is all about anyway!

Look on the back wall and you’ll notice that the orcs had a successful
hunt sometime around last Christmas. They managed to bag the jolly
old gent himself and six of his reindeer — but Rudolph got away.

Toward the far side of the room, two orcs are engaged in a boxing
match to settle some sort of grudge (the score of the last billiards game?).
One of them just got it right in the chops, and most of the crowd seems
pleased with what’s going on. One spectator seems a little sad, probably
because the fighter he bet on is going down for the count — and when
orcs count a fighter out, they count to 1,000.

"Happy Days" was never like this!

At our first stop on the fourth level, I’m sure you’ll agree that high
school, orc style, is a one-of-a-kind educational experience. We happen
to have come in the middle of the J. Ripper High School senior class
party. As you can see, the graduates are adults already when it comes to
knowing how to have a good time. We’ll see some female orcs later, and
then you’ll understand why male orcs prefer human women.

The throne room,
and a peek
at the queen
 

The next room is the king’s chamber. Judging by the surroundings,
the king’s tastes are very simple. He has a pile of straw to sleep on and a
couple of barrels of wine in the back of the room for entertaining. It’s a
good thing the monarch doesn’t live more magnificently, or the sleepy-eyed
guard at the door would be in severe jeopardy.

We’re in luck; there’s some activity in the throne room. The dancing
girls are out in force, and they have attracted quite a crowd. Take a good
look and remember that these are the most sensuous of all orc
females — and then try to imagine what the least sensuous look like!

The musicians are playing hard, and have a good vantage point
from the balcony overlooking the throne room. The band is made up of
musicians who led the orc old guard into battle — including a cello player
and a kettle drummer who used to have a terrible time staying in
formation.

Next we get a glimpse of the queen’s chamber. Stay away from the
desk where she keeps all her important books and documents; the
leopards are trained to chomp first and ask questions later — if anyone’s
left to answer. The queen is enjoying a meal, surrounded by the little
things that make a home a cherished place, like a statue of her favorite
hereo, Sinbad the Duck, and an urn in the back of the room containing
the ashes of her last 15 husbands.

The bazaar:
A shopping center
to end all
shopping centers

The largest room in the castle is the Grand Bazaar, which has
merchandise to appeal to anyone with some gold to spend. The Pied
Piper Shop (with P.P. himself as proprietor) sells all kinds of musical
instruments. At Ali Baba’s Used Carpets, only the finest fabrics are sold,
and each item is guaranteed to fly for a few feet or a few seconds,
whichever comes first. The Genie Travel Agency offers guided tours to
any other land or fantasy world. Specials this week, according to the
posters, are Narnia, Arkham and Middle Earth.

Next in line is the local Head Shop. If you want to get ahead in life,
you can simply come here and buy one. There’s the Sign Shop, where
any orcish slogan can be made to order. The owner says two of his
biggest sellers are, “Before you meet the handsome prince you have to
kiss a lot of toads” and “When I works, I words hard; when I sits, I sits
loose; and when I thinks, I falls asleep.” The last shop in the bazaar is
Aladdin’s Hardware, which sells everything from copper pots to window
glass and hands out a free golden lamp for every purchase over 1,000
gp.

The Phantom Orc of the Opera plays on

On the fifth level, the first room we come to is the chamber of the
Phantom Orc of the Opera. His massive pipe organ bellows out ballads,
hymns, and an occasional “Happy Orcday” for various ceremonies.

We’ll walk quickly and quietly through the temple, where some sort
of service seems to be in progress. It’s very hard to tell which kind; the
orcs worship dozens of gods, on the “better safe than sorry” philosophy.

The Banker
We’re on the sixth level now, nearing the bottom. The first stop here
is the banker’s vault, where the castle’s valuables are kept. Keep your
hands down, move fast, and don’t touch so much as a copper piece!
Everything is guarded by giant spiders, and there is no saving throw.

The Wizard

Next in line is the Wizard’s workshop. The mage has a new apprentice
he’s breaking in (so to speak), and I think I see the hand of the old
apprentice sticking out of the pot of boiling oil in the background. You
can see the Wizard is a nature lover, with a butterfly collection and many
other animals on display throughout his workshop. He reportedly uses
the animals in spells, but for some reason the SPCA hasn’t done
anything about that. I heard a rumor that the last two inspectors who
came to see him are now perched on the toadstools over there.

Next to the Wizard is the library, where there are many, many
volumes of orcish lore — just in case someone loses his wits and feels like
reading in his spare time. Keep very still as you tiptoe past the chess
game; the last tourist who disturbed these guys was, shall we say,
checkmated in one move.

Here is the Wizard’s bedroom, where no doubt many a diabolical
scheme has been hatched. The Wizard’s consort, the Falcon Lady, is
feeding one of her birds while a black cat looks on.

Next to the bedroom (a very good place for it) is the water closet.
Because orcs aren’t modest, plus the fact that this is the only “facility” in
the castle, there’s a mixed crowd in here at all times.

The Doctor

In the doctor’s office, we’re lucky enough to be able to see an
operation in progress — in other words, an operation where the patient
is still breathing. Doc says he’s licensed to treat man or beast, but some
of the castle residents are a little skeptical of his qualifications. Doc keeps
saying he’d send away for another coy of his license as soon as he can
collect from one of his patients. The problem is, he can’t get anybody to
pay before an operation, and so far no one has been able to pay
afterward, either.

Things go better
with torture --
as long as
it's someone else's

This is as low as we go, folks: the seventh level. The last segment of
our tour starts with the torture chamber, where orcs go when they really
need to relax. All sorts of fun diversions are possible here, including the
brick wall which is going up around the lady in the far comer, the rack,
some good old boiling oil, and the stock. If you’ve ever wondered about
the fate of that unlucky member of your party who was carried off by
orcs, this was the last room the poor guy ever saw.

The cold, cold crypt
and the
hot, hot furnace

Orcs don’t have anything to do with the crypt, preferring to let their
buddies the skeletons and mummies handle the sort of work they like so
well. In the doorway is a mummy apparently on his way to our next stop,
the wargame room, carrying a model of a Sherman tank.

No basement would be complete without a wargame room, and
here’s the one the orcs have fixed up for themselves. Four hard-core
gamers are occupied right now with their micro-armor, playing out a
battle on a special table complete with terrain features just like the one
you may have at home. I apologize for the appearance of this room; as
with all other wargame rooms, it is constantly cluttered with junk.

The next and last stop is the furnace room. The orcs, just as patriotic
as you or I when it comes to conserving energy, have harnessed a Fire
Elemental to provide heat by directing his radiation up into the heating
ducts which serve the rest of the castle. (The furnace room is quite warm
enough without its own heating duct, don’t you think?) Right now all the
coal-gang orcs are gone for their 10th dinner break of the day. When
they get back, they’ll dish out some more tasty, low-sulfur coal, to keep
their heater happy.

*    *    *

That concludes our tour, ladies and gentlemen. Thanks for coming
along, and now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for my dinner break.

Oh, didn’t I tell you? This is where the tour ends. Anyone who wants
to get out has to find his own way back to the first level. Good luck, and
(heh, heh) I’ll see you at the dinner table in a little while!
 

OUT ON A LIMB
I must also comment on your pictorial in TD
#30, “Where the Orcs Are.” Steve Brown has
done a fabulous job on his orc castle I wish I had
seen it in person! I especially like the bartender,
being an E.R.B fan.
Earnest Rowland, Jr. —MO
(The Dragon #34)

In addition to his fine article on GenCon XII,
Jack of all Trades Mohan also receives the credit
for the photos used in TD #30. Glad you enjoyed
it. Here at TSR Periodicals, we continue to strive
to live up to The Dragon’s subtitle: The Premier
Magazine of Games and Gaming, and that includes
coverage of gaming conventions. You’ll be
seeing more such coverage of the various aspects
of the gaming world as time and manpower will
allow.

The Cost: A Lot of Hours, A Lot of Figures, and . . .
Steve Brown
.

 

-	-	-	-	-
Dungeons & Dragons	Monsters	-	Dragon magazine	The Dragon #30

It took almost a year of off-and-on work to design and build the
underground orc castle. I don’t have a good idea of just how many
hours were spent, but it was a lot. (Editor’s note: The castle carried a
“firm” price tag of $4,000 when it was exhibited at GenCon XII.
Reportedly, at least one person was almost willing to shell out that much
cash to take it home.)

Materials used in construction included textured styrofoam, cork,
wallboard, balsa wood, plywood, Popsicle sticks, wood shingles, spackling
paste . . . whatever seemed appropriate for a certain room.

About 75 percent of the figures are conversions — some minor,
some radical. Probably the hardest part of the whole project was cutting
all the bases off the figures without cutting off their feet, too.

Almost all the figures, 99 percent-plus, were done with Heritage
paints. Otherwise, it would have taken years just to paint everything.

The pipe organ in the Chamber of the Phantom Orc of the Opera
was a dime-store item to which I added many dollars’ worth of cut brass
tubing. The eyes in the chariot and the fire in the fireplace are illuminated
by light-emitting diodes powered by flashlight batteries.

At present the three lower levels have lighting; the other levels will be
lit up later on. The lights are powered by a regular model train transformer
with a variable rheostat so they can be dimmed or brightened.
My brother-in-law, Bill Cikas, helped me with the circuitry for the LEDs
in the chariot eyes and the fireplace.

Many of the items were from different scales, such as the chess set in
the library, which was a 54mm piece that had to be cut down. The pots
and pans in the kitchen came from a dollhouse shop, and they were
supposed to be for 1:1 scale, but they were all that was available and
had to be used. The piano player in the bar was a 54mm plastic figure
which had to be chopped down quite a bit. His legs were cut off at the
knees and the feet glued back on, and his arms were cut off at the elbows
and the hands glued back on. Then an orc head was added. The piano
and chair also had to be cut down to bring them into scale. Whenever I
find anything I think I can use, I’ll get it even if it’s not the right scale, and
then I’ll cut it down.

I got a lot of help from friends who donated things, like Doug Rogers,
who supplied the table for the doctor’s office; Gary Campbell, who gave
me the baby orcs; Beverly Mason, the source of the organ player and
some furniture; and Cliff Wilson, from whom came a couple of the
priests in the temple.

Many of the posters and signs were either made with transfer
lettering or were found in railroad decorations or trimmed from mailorder
catalogs.

Next year, with the help of many of the dealers who were present at
GenCon XII, I hope to be able to show a couple of wings I’ll be adding
on to the main structure. Many manufacturers have been kind enough
to help me by offering figures, other materials, and ideas.

What’s the main reason for the success of this project? It was not
skill, or craftsmanship, or attention to detail, although all of that did
matter. The main ingredient was imagination, with a little sense of
humor — and a large junk box.