Created by Andrew South
FREQUENCY: Very rare
NUMBER APPEARING: 2-12
ARMOR CLASS: 5
MOVE: 15”
HIT DICE: 1
% IN LAIR: 15%
TREASURE TYPE: Q
NUMBER OF ATTACKS: 1
DAMAGE/ATTACK: 1-4
SPECIAL ATTACKS: Voice
causes confusion
SPECIAL DEFENSES: Nil
MAGIC RESISTANCE: Standard
INTELLIGENCE: Average-High
ALIGNMENT: Chaotic neutral
SIZE: S (2’ high)
PSIONIC ABILITY: Nil
Attack/Defense Modes: Nil
This creature resembles a small monkey,
but because of several
distinguishing characteristics is instantly
recognizable by those who
know of its existence. Much like a monkey,
it has a long tail and prehensile feet, but here the similarity ends. The
Quatsch is covered in a
bright yellow coat of shaggy fur, broken
only on the paws and face.
Here the Quatsch has little blood circulating
(for heat conservation)
and thus these areas have a death-like
bone color. This odd pallor in
the Quatsch’s face and paws often gives
the viewer the feeling that the
creature is wearing a mask. The eyes of
the Quatsch are red, have
120” infravision, and glow somewhat in
the dark. The Quatsch’s face
seems to be perpetually twisted into a
cheshire-cat type grin, adding to
the overall mask-like impression.
The Quatsch inhabits dungeons, ruins or
other deserted buildings.
Typically it will find itself a favorite
perch such as a shelf or door jamb
and sit on it for hours on end, only leaving
to catch small animals moving nearby, which it uses as food. Hidden in
a niche somewhere near
will be the Quatsch’s treasure — usually
a small collection of gems,
beads, and other bright objects the creature
collects from the area in
which it lives.
The Quatsch is not generally hostile, but
the unintended effects of
its strange mode of thinking have resulted
in much enmity between it
and man. To humankind, the Quatsch’s logic
seems illogical, its deductions random, and its thinking processes paradoxical.
The effects
of talking to a Quatsch are immediate
— the victim becomes totally
confused and disoriented, as his accepted
basis of thinking falls in a
heap. Treat this effect as a Confusion
spell, but only characters with
great mental discipline are entitled to
a saving throw. All characters
above 6th level gain a saving throw, which
Magic-Users and Clerics
make at +2. Monks above 6th level are
never affected. At 6th level
and below, only Monks, Magic-Users and
Clerics gain a saving throw,
which Monks make at +2. This confusion
lasts from 2-8 melee
rounds, during which time the Quatsch
will watch with extreme
puzzlement. After this period of time,
all affected make another save
vs. magic as above, to see whether or
not they are permanently
insane. This done, all creatures are released
from the effects of the
Quatsch (unless it begins talking once
more!).
The best defenses against this creature
are Silence 15’ radius spells,
since if a threatening figure approaches
it the Quatsch begins to
babble (asking for its life to be spared,
etc.), thus beginning the confusion process. Approaching a Quatsch with
blocked ears and trying
to reason with it is pointless, since
the creature cannot understand the
logic in the request, and would prefer
to answer in irrelevancies anyway. If chased or attacked it will scuttle
off at a tremendous speed and
follow at a safe distance. If at any time
kindness is shown to the
Quatsch it will be nearly impossible to
get rid of, shouting nonsensical
questions at the party. Note that attacking
a Quatsch is not a good
idea (depending some/what on circumstances),
since it cannot be held
responsible for the unfortunate effects
its thinking processes have on
human beings. If cornered, the Quatsch
can deliver a vicious bite for 1-
4 points damage
Those made insane by the Quatsch can understand
its thinking and
are therefore afterward immune to its
effects. Such people may
actually befriend the creature, and this
is not too difficult.
Because of its unique color, the pelt of
the Quatsch is worth 100 gp
intact, but those trying to obtain such
pelts often come back gibbering
idiots. The Quatsch speak the common tongue,
and their own tongue
(which cannot be learned by those not
made insane by a Quatsch) .
When playing the part of this animal, the
Dungeon Master should
try to imitate the alien mode of thinking,
and have the creature say
things that will bewilder the players.
Since reading the mind of a
Quatsch has the same effect as listening
to it, the Quatsch is a
sovereign remedy for players who continually
listen at doors, use clairaudience,
or ESP to the detriment of the game!
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