around the gaming table, the observant
player suddenly notices that one of his
fellows is undergoing a peculiar transformation.
From a cheerful example of
camaradarie, sportsmanship, and tolerance,
he or she degenerates into loutishness,
malevolence, maliciousness,
acrimony, spite, barbarity, and churlishness.
The player, due to the malignant
influence of a diabolic spell or artifact, is
becoming a crude, savage orc in the homey
confines of the gaming room.
Happens every time, right?
The causes of these lapses into orcwardness
are many; those listed here are
those which seem most frequently to
manifest themselves.
P'un In-Tendid: This awesome verbal
spell can only be legally cast by chaotic
characters. It causes spasms, screams,
and groans (from those within hearing
range) for one turn. Countering it with
different forms of the same spell will only
prolong the agony for everyone. A lawful
good mage can counter with a Spontaneous
Superior Joke, causing the
punster to become silent and blush
slightly for one round.
Pipe of Reeking, Miasma Nicotiniana,
and the Dread Havana Stench: Can inflict
the following injuries on non-wielders:
uncontrollable sniffles, withering of
sinuses; spasmodic coughing, and possible
fire damage. The Pipe of Reeking
doubles the radius of its damage if it contains
such exotic mixtures as cherry-sherry-berry
marmalade or jogger-shoe
twist. All can be countered with a Word
of Power, Water, or a Punch in the Teeth.
(Punch in the Nose is powerless since a
smoker's nose is not functional.) Similar
evils are wrought by Unclean Catbox
and Vile Aura of the Soap-Loather.
Spells of Reiteration and Interruptus
Idioticus: These two spells, when used
respectively by the DM and a person
playing a fighter or a thief, continue interminably,
alternating reinforcing one
another, until a save is thrown. Example:
DM: Yer goin' into this room...
Fighter: What room?
DM: Yer going' inta this room, see...
Fighter: What kinda room?
DM: Yer goin' inta this room, see,
and...
Fighter: Is there an entrance?
Counterspells can only be cast by lawful
good clerics and mages. One excellent
spell is, "Let's go out and get a pizza
--but we'll leave the DM there." (if the
fighter asks, "What pizza place?" make
him do the buying.
Junque Fude: These substances are
usually summoned by a lawful good
mother or the kid with the car. They have
different devastating effects, depending
upon character type, as follows:
Chaotic Pudgy: forgetfulness of dietary
oaths.
Health-Food Ranger or Dieting Druid:
madness and loathing.
Thief: the grabbies.
Lawful good stout female elf: outcry.
Lawful good skinny female elf: Unbelievable
outcry.
These reactions continue for one turn,
followed by three turns of indiscriminate
gobbling. Female paladins can counter
with a Wand of Celery.
Ring of Engagement
Although desirable
elsewhere, in the gaming room this
artifact causes a startling change in charisma,
shortened attention span, and incessant
discussion of non-game material
(usually white satin, lace, and pearls).
This condition is doubled by Ring of
Binding, but can be temporarily alleviated
by Distant Honeymoon. In some cases
these disturbing effects disappear altogether
(along with the wielder) if the
wielder's mate converts to
Pigskin Worship or Compulsory Attendance
of Opera.
The Lost Book: Not a source of orcwardness,
but a result of it, this beautifully
bound, fully illuminated book contains
all wisdom. It alone hold every
specific, unambiguous answer to any
question disputed in the game. It is only
when such a dispute arises that it is noticed
that the book in question has disappered.
It has been borrowed -- by an
orc.
Miniature Metal Monster: The display
of a new miniature metal monster never
before seen in the gaming room can
cause envy, jealousy, spite, and covetousness,
or, just as easily, derision, mockery,
scorn, and disdain. The wielder, in
any case, will be filled with intolerable
pride unless his display is countered by
the incantation, "Aw, that was on sale for
fifty coppers last week."
Illusion of Total Absolute Universal
Wisdom: A chaotic good beginner or
third-level Bullmaster who cloaks himself
in this illusion will seem, for two to
seven turns, to have superhuman knowledge
of every detail of the game, reciting
rules, facts, statistics, and episodes of
forgotten campaigns with apparent complete
authority, to the great benefit of his
effective charisma. But once a true authority
on the topic has pierced this illusion,
the wielder is seen as one more
boasting orc, his words empty, his facts
baseless.
Spell of Anecdotage: Causes a condition
of senility and second childhood,
which often sets in before the first childhood
is over. The spell's power arises
from the maps, books and other paraphernalia
of the game itself, insidiously
and inexorably, eventually afflicting all
players at one time or another. The result:
a ceaseless flow of suchverbiage
as, "We was goin' down this tunnel when
these trolls jumped our elf, "The effect is
hardly distinguishable from that of a
child playing cowboy, recounting, "We
was ridin' up this gulch, when..." This is
the worst Orciform Plague, as it can
strike any player at any time, even outside
the gaming room, even when visiting
great aunts, throughout the player's
lifetime.