(Editor’s note: As if actual “typos” weren’t hard enough to deal
with, TSR Hobbies’ AI Hammack demonstrates that it could have been
worse if mistakes like these had not succumbed to the editor’s pens. . .)

Allen Hammack
 

-	-	-	-	-
1st Edition AD&D	-	Dragon #35	-	Dragon magazine

The process of editing the Dungeon Masters Guide was a long and
tedious one, and frequently the editors and consultants would be sitting
around a large table, drinking large amounts of coffee or cola. and
discussing vociferously whether this magic item was more powerful
than that one and shouldn’t we make this one more powerful and how
will that spell work underwater, etc.

After staring bleary-eyed at well over a thousand manuscript pages,
certain “typos” began to have a bizarre sort of appeal to us, and various
verbal slips would be enough to destroy us with laughter. But what if
some of these items were real? Don’t we owe it to the world to share
these treasures with them (or inflict these things upon them, depending
on your point of view)? My answer is an unqualified YES!, and so with
tongue firmly in cheek and an admonition to take it about as seriously
as one would take Mork at Emmy time, herewith follows the list of:

MIGHTY MISCELLANEOUS MAGIC TYPOS

RING OF THREE WITCHES— Rather self-explanatory. It looks
like any other magic ring and will radiate a dweomer if detected for. If
summoned or commanded to function or if a wish is made upon it, the
three witches (each a 20th level chaotic evil Magic-User) will issue forth
and wreak havoc.

CUBE OF FARCE —Upon pressing this cube, a field of force will
spring up just as in the Cube of Force, but on the interior of the cubic
field the operator of the Cube is subjected to 6 different “comedies” at
the same time, and must save vs. spell or he will be insane for 1-10
rounds. The “comedies” are “Gilligan’s Island”, “Hee Haw”, “Hello,
Larry” , “I Love Lucy”, “Good Times”, and “The White House Press
Conference.”

CARPET OF FRYING — When this magic carpet is sat upon and
commanded to do anything, it will paralyze the person(s) on the carpet
(save applicable), causing the person(s) to stretch out along its length. It
will then begin to radiate a temperature of 375° F. and continue until
the victim is well-done. Needless to say, the smell of frying human (or
halfling or elf or dwarf or gnome or half-orc) will attract any monsters in
the area who are fond of such delicacies.

WAND OF LIGHTENING — This wand, whether directed at an
opponent or oneself, will cause the operator to gradually become
weightless. Once the wand is activated it cannot be stopped until the
process is complete (5 rounds). Treat as gaseous form to see if the
victim is blown by air currents, although the victim will obviously not be
able to pass through cracks or holes. See what messing up one little
letter in a spell can do?

ROBE OF BLENDING — This robe will radiate a dweomer if
detected for, but is otherwise indistinguishable from any of the other
magic robes (optionally, a fragment of a label with “Oster . . . ” or
“. . . isinart” might be found upon careful inspection). When the robe
is put on, its true nature will become apparent to the wearer as a type of
mobile blade barrier with three buttons near the clasp: blue (mix),
yellow (puree), and red (blend). Unfortunately, what will not be apparent
to the wearer is that the blades will form on the inside of the robe,
turning that person (briefly) into a real mixmaster.

ROD OF CANCELLATION — A very ancient artifact, this powerful
magic weapon is currently wielded by Fred Silverman at NBC.

STAFF OF CURING — This staff has the ability to slay any porcine
creature, including certain humans, for its strike turns them into a
roughly triangular, semi-boneless heap.

BRASSIERE OF DEFENSE — Will not come off except by command
of the wearer. It serves as Armor Class 2, and lowers the morale
of males attacking the wearer by 10% each turn it does not come off.

MANUAL OF GOLLUMS — Not until the character using this
book has expended the requisite money and time will he discover that
he has built not a golem, but a gollum —a simpering, whining, cowardly,
being that will only travel at night and will rob its “master” blind at
the first opportunity.

ARROW OF SLAYING — Ineffective against “wild and crazy”
comedians, even when struck in the head.

ARROW OF SLEIGHING — When this powerful item is drawn in
a bow in a combat situation, it will immediately expand and unfold into
a full-size, four-person toboggan. Generally, however, there won’t be
any snow around, and this tends to limit its effectiveness.

MINIONIONS OF SET — A favorite recurring typo, these small
vegetables are utterly and inherently evil, and a Good character taking
so much as a nibble will sustain 10-40 hit points of damage, and lose
100,000 experience points. Neutral characters must save vs. a spell or
instantly convert to evil. It makes no difference what form the onions
are in: on pizza, in soup, in a salad, etc.