Adventurers say the darndest things before you squash them
by Gregg Sharp
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| 1st Edition AD&D | - | Dragon magazine | - | Dragon #120 |
“Well, I think that’s the last of
them.”
“Hey, what do you suppose this
lever does?”
“I couldn’t find any traps.”
“I disarmed the trap."
“That’s not really poison gas.”
“Come on in! The water’s fine.”
“Sure glad that’s over with. I’m
taking off my armor.”
“Okay, wishing well — make me a
[insert name of a nonliving or inanimate
object]."
“I hope the bridge holds up."
“What landshark?”
“Death before dishonor! Attack!”
“Things couldn’t possibly get any
worse."
“Of course I trust the thief. He’s in
our party."
“What does that mark on the door
mean?”
“We really didn’t need a cleric
anyway."
“I’ll drink it."
“Oops."
“This is a wimp dungeon.”
“Why did our torch flames blue?"
“What? No, I wasn’t reading your
module. I was just looking at the
pictures."
“I go up to the lich and try to pick
its pocket."
“Geez, what an ugly [insert character
class name]."
“That door wasn’t trapped the last
time we were here."
“The minotaur’s got me in a bearhug?
Great! I cast my flame strike on
it.
“Brak? That’s a stupid name for a
barbarian."
“A wizard, huh? I throw my drink
at him.”
“I don’t need to read the instructions."
“It’s a troll. So what?”
“This looks like a good place to set
up camp.”
“I open the door and rush forward
with my spear set in a charge."
“I don’t care. I won’t retreat no
matter how big or powerful an
opponent is."
“They’ll never find me here."
“Does a 3 save?”
“Push the red button first, then
the blue one. No, wait —”
“We’ll go in. We can handle anything!”
“What do you suppose that rushing
noise is?”
“Oh no, not again."
“Nothing ever happens on the first
level."
“Shh! There it is again.”
“Naw, the DM won’t hit us with
anything till we get to the dungeon."
“If the merchant doesn’t like it, I’ll
just run him through. I’ll kill his
guards, too.”
“I don’t need any help.”
“I’ve never seen a ballista before.
What’s it do?”
“Hey, in there! Come on out and
fight!”
“Giants: The bigger they are, the
harder they fall.”
“I’m a cleric. I can turn all undead."
“What luck: a demon prince! If we
kill him, we get a horde of treasure
and experience points."
“Oh, we won’t die. The DM won’t
let us."’
“It looks like some kind of mold.”
"I’ve got a bad feeling about this."
“They’re just kobolds."
JANUARY 1988
Back to Brak
Dear Dragon:
Concerning the article, "The Last Word," by
Gregg Sharp in DRAGON® issue #129,
one of the
quotes ("Brak? That's a stupid name for a barbarian.
") hits hilariously close to home. Brack,
our resident Stupid Barbarian, is distressed
to
see his name misspelled in print, however.
Three and a half years ago, the character
Brack was born into the world of Harn, and
soon became known as ?you stupid barbarian?
for fairly obvious reasons.
We players had always assumed our Brack
was unique. We are therefore most interested
in
discovering the origins of this other ?Brak.?
Sandie Weissman
Murray W. Weissman
Sheila M. Humphrey
Diane L. Fryberger-Smith
G. William ?Brack? Smith IV
Glenside PA
(Dragon #132)
I suspect that the Brak to which Gregg Sharp’s
excellent article alludes is the hero of a
series of
sword-and-sorcery stories by novelist John
Jakes, originally appearing in the late 1960s.
They are worth reading, if you can find them.
The Brak of those stories, however, was not
stupid at all; insulting his name within his
hearing
could be considered stupid, though, as he
was cut from Conan’s mold.
More last words
Dear Dragon:
I read your article "The Last Word" in issue
#129, and I have some suggestions for
the
article's sequel. They are:
?We don?t need to post guards at night. We?re
too powerful.?
?What?s that?? ?Aw, it was nothin?.?
?I ain?t afraid of no giants.?
?Are those drums I hear??
?Hey, fellas!? ?Shut up, Ernie!? ?But guys??
Cliff Frazier
West Valley UT
(Dragon #134)
Some last words
Dear Dragon:
After reading your article "The Last Word" in
issue #129 and Cliff Frazier's sequel to that
article in #134, I thought of other suggestions
to
include in the sequel's sequel. These are:
?It?s probably just another gas
spore.?
?Who?s the chick with the spiders??
?No, you go on without me.?
?Without Mjolnir, I?ll bet you?re a real wimp.?
?What?s that up ahead??
?C?mon guys, let?s show him who?s boss.?
?Why is it so dark in here??
?He?s probably only first level.?
?I?ll try to talk to it.?
?It?s just another illusion.?
?I think it?s dead.?
?Let?s split up.?
?I?ll walk up to the dragon invisibly.?
?Why is that man performing sign language??
?Don?t be so paranoid.?
Daniel Watson
Plattsburgh NY
(Dragon #138)
And some more...
Dear Dragon:
With respect to "The Last Word," I have come
up with a few myself:
?The dragon?s asleep!?
?How much damage do I take??
?They won?t kill us if we surrender.?
?I?m opening the chest.?
?Those stairs sure look slippery.?
?What does green slime taste like??
?Hey, look ? archers!?
?Spikes in the bottom of a chest ? how
weird!?
?I?ll dive in with full plate on.?
?How many are there??
?I?ll snap the staff!?
?That?s no mage!?
?Did you ever see so many teeth??
?It says ?healing? on the label.?
?I?ll turn the 43 vampires!?
?Neat! A cave entrance that looks like a
mouth!?
?I?m going to open the door, push the third
book to the left on the bottom shelf, enter the
secret room, open the chest, take out the 3,142
gold pieces, put on the ring of animal control
in
the false bottom, and control the snake I find
under the box. Pretty good guess, huh??
Darrell Anderson
Elma NY
(Dragon #138)