Enjoying Your Dragon
BarryFowkes
So you own a dragon! Congratulations!
You’ve made a wise choice
of a pet. Whether you bought him from your local dragon-broker or a
relative who came home from an adventure dragging a very large
carcass and a few dragon’s eggs, your dragon can be a useful, loyal
and
loving pet of the family. (NOTE—For the purposes of this article, it
is
assumed that you own a baby dragon. If your dragon has grown to anys
respectable size —six feet at the shoulder is a reliable rule—you are
reading the wrong article. You should be reading “How to Survive a
Disaster.”)
You mustn’t expect your dragon to be any good to you, however, if
you’re not good to him. You must show him that you are loving but firm,
stem but fair. A well-trained dragon is a joy in any household, serving
as
a first-rate guard dog, cleaning crew, and fireplace lighter. A poorly
trained dragon is a nuisance, and a neglected one is a menace.
You must start by giving your dragon a name. Giving your dragon a
name gives him a sense of belonging, of being somebody. DO NOT,
however, name your dragon after a flower or some such item—the
other dragons will tease him, beat him up, and eat him. Also, names
like
“Killer” or “Napalm” are to be avoided, as the dragon tends to take
them too seriously. “Irving” is a good, respectable name for a dragon.
As in any relationship, there must be a few ground rules, and
punishment for breaking the rules must be swift but not overly harsh.
If,
for example, a noble from a nearby castle is visiting and your dragon
sneezes at the guests leg, it isn’t good practice to ignore it by saying
“You
don’t use that foot anyway, my lord,” because the dragon won’t know
he’s done anything wrong and will very likely do it again. On the other
hand, cursing, dragging your crossbow off the wall and giving your
dragon 20 or 30 bolts around the head has an equally bad result-a
dead dragon. About the best course of action is to wag the forefinger
of
your left hand in the dragon’s face, saying “No, no—we mustn’t fry
houseguests,” while giving the dragon a few medium blows with a light
mace.
Rewarding your dragon for good behavior should be equally swift
and sure. Dragons love to be patted, talked to and generally pampered.
Remember at all times, though, that you own a BABY dragon and that
it
is FRAGILE. You needn’t be over enthusiastic when patting your
dragon—a good uppercut and a few roundhouse swings should suffice
to give your dragon a feeling that you love him.
A dragon will eat anything you will—and quite a few things you
won’t. Dragons do, however, have certain basic requirements that must
be met. A few head of cattle, 30 or 40 gallons of water, and one or
two
buckets of assorted spices will last for about a week. Your dragon
also
needs a supply of coal, which, obviously, you must provide. You must
also keep a close watch on your dragon’s diet. Given half a chance,
a
dragon will do nothing but eat until it quite actually explodes. Not
only
does this kill the dragon it can make a real mess of your dining room,
and so is to be avoid.
Which brings us to our next subject—cleaning up after your dragon.
For some reason unknown to science, dragons are hatched housebroken.
Thus, all you have to do is show your dragon a spot of his own
and teach him how to open the doors of your house. He will let himself
out and go to his spot if he has to. (A point of interest—dragon
droppings are probably the most potent acid known to man, and can eat
through a foot of stone in almost no time. Therefore, don’t plan on
growing anything near your dragon’s privy for about 200 years.)
Dragons do have one rather bad habit—they tend to spontaneously
belch. Unfortunately, when they do, objects around them tend to
spontaneously ignite. Therefore, if you see your dragon looking as
if
he’s trying to hold back an explosion, GET HIM OUTSIDE IMMEDIATELY!
If he looks like that, he probably IS trying to hold back an
explosion, and you’re not helping any by just sitting there and watching.
That’s just about it Just remember, if you take good care of your
dragon while he’s a baby, he’ll take good care of you when you’re old
and gray—and he’s still a baby.