A l m o s t   e v e r y   g a m e r   h a s   h a d   h i s   b a d   d a y s   w i t h   t h e   d i c e   w h e n
c r e a t i n g   a   n e w   c h a r a c t e r   f o r   A D & D® gaming. I?ve had my share of
them and have decided to do something about it. Instead of rolling
and rerolling and re-rerolling and re-re-rerolling the dice to get an
acceptable character that the DM?s going to kill off in five minutes
anyhow, why not just generate a thoroughly lousy character and
give it a class of its own?

Thus was born the Hopeless character class. In order to qualify as
a Hopeless character, a character must have all ability scores rolled
as d4 + 2, giving a range of 3-6 for all major characteristics
(strength, intelligence, etc.). A Hopeless character will suffer some
sort of penalty for each such characteristic, as given in the Players
Handbook. Not to worry. After all, this IS supposed to be a  hopeless
character.

Race:  All Hopeless characters are human, since the racial ability
limits are too high for this class to qualify as anything other than
human. Besides, humans are boring compared to things like elves,
dwarves, and the like, and this just adds insult to injury for Hopeless
characters.

Hit dice:  Hopeless characters get only one roll for hit points,
regardless of their level, and they don?t even get to use regular dice
at that. At 1st level, a Hopeless character receives 1-2 hp (flip a coin,
with heads being 2 hp and tails being 1 hp). This coin toss is reflipped at every level, and all former hit points are dropped and
forgotten. A 1st-level Hopeless character could have 2 hp, then have
1 hp at 2nd level, then 2 hp at 3rd level, then back to 1 hp at 4th
level, etc. You get the idea. Life ain?t fair, man.

Armor:  Any protection other than padded armor would be foreign and useless in the hands of a Hopeless character. None of them
know how to put on anything more complicated than an old quilt.
And shields? Shields are too cumbersome and Hopeless characters
are needlessly burdened by them. Shields do make nice dinner trays
and wall hangings, however.

Weapons:  To their credit, Hopeless characters may use any sort of
weapon that has no moving parts to confuse them, sharp edges to
cut themselves on, or any other dangerous parts. This eliminates all
of the useless things like the spetum and the glaive-guisarme, which
no one can pronounce, much less use anyway, and leaves just the
simplest and most efficient of all weapons: the club. No hurled or
projected missiles may be used, as these  always  backfire in the hands
of a true Hopeless character, causing serious injury to either the
thrower or the nearest ally. This rule also applies to sharp weapons
and those with moving parts.

Oil and poison:  C?mon, get serious. Oil? Poison? Hopeless characters avoid these for their own good, being too clumsy to even think
about using them. I mean, really now.

Number of attacks per round:  Just one. No more. Also, as long
as we're on the topic, Hopeless characters don?t have to worry about
gaining any new weapons as they rise in levels or anything; read the
paragraph above on weapons if you can?t figure out why.

A l i g n m e n t :   As if it made any difference, Hopeless characters may
be of any alignment that will have them.

S t r o n g h o l d s :   A Hopeless character will never settle down to
construct a stronghold for the following reasons:
1. He wouldn?t have any idea of how to get such a project started;

2. If he received any help on getting the project started, he
wouldn't have the faintest notion of how to govern a castle complex,
its inhabitants, or his retainers, servants, hirelings, henchmen,
maids, or the persons who live in his realm; and,

3. If, by some major miracle or gift of the DM, the Hopeless
character accomplished both of the above objectives, those people
who are supposed to be under his rulership would  immediately
realize they were under the command of an incompetent and would
overthrow the character.

If a Hopeless character is lucky, he might be able to settle down at
some point and construct a straw or sod hut. Then the character can
govern as many chickens and pigs he wishes, until such time as they
overthrow him.

H e n c h m e n   a n d   h i r e l i n g s :   Not a chance. Would you work for a
guy like this?

Hopeless character experience table

Experience Points	Level	2-Sided Die For Hit Pts.	Level Title
0 - 2,024	1	1	Klutz
2,025 - 4,076	2 *	1	Quack
4,077 - 7,351	3 *	1	Goof
7,352 - 16,395	4 *	1	Jerk
16,396 - 33,743	5 *	1	Blunderer
33,744 - 52,448	6 *	1	Fumbler
52,449 - 101,010	7 *	1	Maladroit
101,011 - 217,732	8 *	1	Public Hazard
217,733 - 575,949	9 *	1	Incompetent

* -- All information on levels greater than 1st level is presented
primarily for the readers' amusement .Few Hopeless characters are
known to have ever made it past 1st level.

Special abilities
    All Hopeless characters attack as 0-level humans and make saving
throws as 0-level humans. This is special because no one else is
treated in this manner.

Anytime a Hopeless character rolls a 1 for a saving throw, he
immediately takes the maximum possible amount of damage from
the attack. If a Hopeless character rolls a 1 on a ?to hit? roll, he
automatically hits himself for normal damage (or, optionally, his
nearest ally for maximum damage).

All enemies of a Hopeless character immediately gain a +10% to
all morale checks, regardless of the company that the Hopeless character has at the time. Six devas and an army of phase doppleganger elf-trolls could be backing the Hopeless character up, and the opposition will still feel good. Conversely, all allies of a Hopeless character take a -10% penalty on morale checks so long as they believe the Hopeless character is attempting to support them.

Any Hopeless character who survives beyond 1st level immediately gains the power to cast  fumble  on himself once per day per level of experience thereafter. A Hopeless character who actually makes it to 4th level gains the power to cause  confusion  in any intelligent character who attempts to hold a conversation with him, a
power usable once per round. This  confusion  is similar to the druid
spell of the same name, only no saving throw is given and the  confusion  lasts for 1-4 days. Any Hopeless character who, ahem, makes it
to 9th level will immediately gain the power to  feeblemind  an opponent by touch, to an unlimited extent (this power limited only to one
use per round). This will cause the Hopeless character to be declared
dangerous and harmful to the public welfare, and he will be hunted
down by the armed forces of any nation he passes through.

Hopeless characters, by their nature, have saving throws of 40 vs.
illusion/phantasm spells or enchantment/charm spells.

Uses of a Hopeless character
A Hopeless character is useful if you don?t want to waste a better
character in a dangerous scenario. They also make amusing attractions in sideshows if one doesn?t approach them too closely.
 

1. SUBCLASS = n/a
2. SOCIAL CLASS MINIMUM =
3. ABILITY SCORE MINIMUMS
    STRENGTH =
    INTELLIGENCE =
    WISDOM =
    DEXTERITY =
    CONSTITUTION =
    CHARISMA =
    COMELINESS =
4. POSSIBLE RACES & MAX. LEVEL ATTAINABLE =
5. MULTI-CLASS POSSIBILITIES =
6. HIT DIE TYPE =
7. MAXIMUM NUMBER OF HIT DICE =
8. SPELL ABILITY =
9. ARMOR PERMITTED =
10. SHIELD PERMITTED =
11. WEAPONS PERMITTED =
12. OIL PERMITTED =
13. POISON PERMITTED =
14. ALIGNMENT =
15. STARTING MONEY =
16. WEAPON PROFICIENCIES =
17. NON-PROFICIENCY PENALTY =
18. NON-WEAPON PROFICIENCIES =
19. STARTING AGE =
20. COMBAT =
21. SAVING THROWS =
22. MAGIC ITEMS =
 
 
 

XP	Level	Dice for HP	Title