The Rod of Lordly
Might-or-Might-Not
This item looks exactly like the rod of
lordly might from the DMG and will, in
fact, function the same as the standard
item, but only 50% of the time. Otherwise,
the rod of lordly might-or-might-not performs
in the following manner:

1. Should the rods wielder desire the
mace +2 function, the rod grows a stylized
hand with fingers bent, suitable for
scratching itches in hard-to-reach spots.

2. If the battle axe +4 function is called
upon, the rod grows a flat, flexible end,
which is +4 versus small, flying insects
(doing 1 hp damage at most).

3. If the spear +3 is activated, the rod
shrinks to a length of 3? ? the perfect size
for removing things lodged between the
character?s teeth.

4. An attempt to use the rod for a climbing
pole causes it to bury itself 3? in the
ground, requiring some digging to extricate
it.

5. Trying to force open a door with the
rod results in the rod dancing noisily on
end for a melee round.

6. If the rod is used to find magnetic
north, it points southwest or east (50%
chance of either).

7. The flaming sword + 1 option, if
called upon, results in a flower sprouting
from the handle instead.

8. If a charge is used to paralyze an
opponent, the rods wielder suffers a fit of
sneezing for 1d6 rounds.

9. The rod will not cause fear in an
opponent; rather, a small cloud appears
over the wielder?s head and rains on him
for a round.

10. Finally, instead of draining 2d4 hp
from an opponent, the rod bestows 2d4 gp
upon the opponent. Naturally, the gold
comes from the wielder?s purse (other
coins or valuables may be substituted).

Note that these last three undesirable
effects drain a charge from the rod just as
the desired effects would. Any attempt to
sell a rod of lordly might-or-might-not as if
it were a rod of lordly might will be
viewed as a breach of alignment for good
characters.

Pipes of the Brewers
Each round that this wooden pipe is
played, a character may turn a gallon of
water or any other liquid into ale. The
quality of the ale depends on the tune
played (these tunes are jingles used by the
particular breweries to sell their
products). While this would seem indispensable
to a post-dungeon (or more appropriately,
an after-bar) party, there is an
unpleasant side effect to possession of the
pipes of the brewers: The pipe?s owner
suffers increasing dipsomania. Upon finding
the pipe, a character has a 10% chance
of succumbing to a terrible urge to drink
himself into a stupor. This increases by
10% each day the pipe is kept. Thereafter,
the character begins putting on a lot of
weight, and the character?s nose turns a
bright shade of red. The dipsomania can
only be cured by a remove curse, heal, or
wish.
 

The Manual of Trendy and Commercially Lucrative Exercise
This magical tome is of particular use to
any former owner of the pipes of the
brewers. The manual details an exercise
program created by the sage Fondah. Any
out-of-shape character (i.e., one with
strength and constitution scores less than
10) who follows the manual?s instructions
for just three months gains one point to
his strength and constitution scores. Not
only that, but the character looks good
and feels great. However, failure to exercise
at least two hours per day causes the
immediate loss of all benefits, which cannot
then be regained.
 

Onyx Ball
This l'-diameter, black sphere acts just
like a crystal ball, but is only capable of
clairaudience since the ball is nearly impossible
to see through. Ten percent of all
onyx balls are actually inert, but have
Nystul’s magic aura cast upon them anyway
for effect. A closer examination of
such balls reveals three finger-sized holes
in close proximity to each other.
 

Toothpicks of Lightning
These toothpicks are usually found in
the possession of a seemingly unarmed
opponent. The dungeon party may encounter
a lone, big, and ugly fighter leaning
against a door, with no weapons in
sight. As the party approaches, the fighter
arrogantly ignores them, slowly cleaning
his teeth with a wooden pick. Suddenly,
the fighter flips his toothpick at the PCs. In
flight, just before it strikes, the toothpick
is transformed into a 30?-long bolt of lightning,
as per a javelin of lightning. Toothpicks
of lightning appear otherwise to be
3?-long slivers of wood. There are up to
five such slivers in a pack, and each comes
individually wrapped for safety and comfort.
Please remember that there is a 1%
chance per round that the toothpick ?goes
off? if used as a tooth-cleaning implement
? an interesting variation on Russian
roulette. In this event, the user gains no
saving throw against its effects, taking
double damage from the bolt.
 

Staff on Strike-ing
These staves are very emotionally sensitive.
They act as standard staff of strikings,
but only as long as they feel they are
being treated fairly. If a character wields a
staff on strike-ing in three consecutive
melee rounds without using another
weapon (to give the staff a break), the staff
protests. Leaping from the character?s
hands, the staff drops to the floor (only a
bend bars roll will keep it in the character
?s hands). A placard then materializes
on the staff, reading ?[User?s name here]
unfairly degrades and exploits the stave
proletariat!? (or something similar). The
staff cannot be used until the character
allows the staff to rest for 2-16 melee
rounds, after which the entire process
may be repeated, ad infinitum. A second
character may be needed to arbitrate the
dispute between the staffs user and the
staff, if the DM makes the staff intelligent
and verbal in the manner of intelligent
swords.

Gem of Not-Too-Brightness
As far as anyone can tell, this gem is just
like the gem of brightness we?ve all read
about, except for one small detail. Every
time the gem is used, the user loses one
point of intelligence. The loss of points is,
of course, quite painless, and the character
will not be aware that anything is
wrong. The rest of the party, however,
begins to notice things. Spells are forgotten,
items are misplaced, boots are put on
the wrong feet, and, ultimately, affected
characters are unable to recall their
names.

All intelligence points return 2-8 days
after the gem is discarded. A remove curse
is necessary to get rid of the gem. A character
?s intelligence can be lowered to an
absolute minimum score of 1 at
worst, but can go no lower than that.
However, if a character is lowered to one
point of intelligence before discarding the
gem, the gem discards the character. In
other words, it teleports to another location
where a smarter character is sure to
find it. When this happens, a wish, limited
wish, or a restoration spell is needed to
return the PC?s lost intelligence points.
 

Manual of Plush Golems
This magical tome permits a Wizard
to create the smallest of the five varieties
of golem, the cute and cuddly plush golem.
A plush golem is an overstuffed facsimile
of a furry animal (usually a bear) animated
by special enchantments. Each plush golem
has 5 hp, attacks as a l-HD monster,
and has an AC of 8. Plush golems attack
with a claw-claw-bite routine, but because
of their size, they only do l-2/1-2/1-3 hp
damage. Plush golems take damage from
normal weapons, but since they have no
bones to break, they suffer no damage
from blunt weapons. It costs 5,000 gp to
construct a plush golem, and the manual
lasts until 2-5 of them are made. After this
point, the manual then turns yellow and
the writing fades to illegibility. Some wags
call plush golems ?attack teddies.?
 

APRIL 1987