Still More
Outrages
From the
Mages
Dimwitted dweomers from
the Misbegotten Realms
"It must not be supposed that all the
mages of old were wise, clever, or even
mentally competent," said Elkwhisker,
smugly employing his endearing device of
making irrelevant statements out of the
blue to pique my interest. I was frankly
more interested in my madeira, so I left
him hanging. Lately, it?s been everything
from Halloween masks to pet rocks with
the old boy.''
He chafed for a while, then resumed all
by himself. ?I can sense your eagerness
from the look of open-mouthed fascination
on your face??
?That?s a yawn,? I said quickly, but not
quickly enough.
??so I will not keep you in suspense.
Nimrod of Nump, known far and wide as
the greatest schlemiel in the Realms, had
some glimmerings of magical talent, however
mismanaged and poorly applied.
History recounts some of the more spectacular
blunders of this idiot savant in his
lair in the Verdant Forest, subsequently?
known as the Verdant Desert. However, it
is not generally known that he was a prolific
inventor of many new spells.
?His spells were actually created by
mistake, which might also be fairly said
of
Nimrod?s entire career, not to mention
the
magicker himself. He had developed what
he proudly called the cylindrical scroll,
joined at both ends in a mystical way so
that the joint disappeared into a continuous
band of parchment. One side effect of
this novelty was that the spells inscribed
thereupon were inscribed permanently,
never to disappear no matter how many
times they are read aloud or copied into
a
spell book. A less-salutary side effect
was
that the words in the names of each of
the
spells were forced out of synchrony, so
that the last words of each spell name
appeared following the first words of the
next, with correspondingly disastrous
effects on the spells themselves.
?Several of these cylindrical scrolls still
roll about on the floors of many a
dungeon in the Realms, and not a few
unfortunate dungeon explorers have copied
these spells into their spell books or
cast them directly from the scrolls. As
descriptions of the spells? effects do
not
appear on the scrolls with the spell names
and incantations, the poor sods ? er, souls
? can be said to have been inadequately
warned, although in many cases the
names of the spells themselves might have
given pause to the wary.
?After Nimrod?s death (the direct result
of his attempt to increase the power of
the
first-level spell erase), some of these
scrolls
became scattered among several bands of
adventurers. The survivors voluntarily
brought these items together in a kind
of
quarantine. I myself found them in a
dumpster behind the legendary House of
Out, in the Kingdom of Slumdudgeon, and
learned of the following dweomers."
I myself had nodded off about eight lines
into the preceding. But my tape recorder
was running the whole time, so I got all
the details. After all, a buck is a buck.
Scroll
the First
(Bumfoozle's Bane)
Find Terrain
(Examination/Indentation)
Level: 1
Range: Touch
Duration: Instant
Components: V, S
CT: 2 segments
ST: None
AE: Personal
Casting this
spell enables THE
WIZARD to locate the
terrain (i.e., the ground beneath his feet).
The somatic component of this spell consists
of falling flat on one?s face to get a
closer look, doing 1-4 hp damage.
Explosive
Familiar (DEMOLITION)
Level: 2
Range: 1"
Duration: Instant *
Components: V
CT: 2 segs.
ST: None
AE: 2" radius
* Permanent for the familiar, of course.
When this
spell is cast, the spell-caster's familiar
explodes, doing 1-4 hp damage to all within
the area of effect (note spell range) and
doing rather more damage to the familiar.
Special familiars (brownies,
imps, quasits,
etc,) explode for 2-5 hp damage and make
a nicer noise.
Invisible
Runes (Circumspection)
Level: 1
Range: 0
Duration: Perm.
Components: V, S, M
CT: 1 turn/rune
ST: None
AE: 5 runes/lvl
This spell
enables A
WIZARD to inscribe runes that
are completely undetectable to all forms
of
normal and magical inspection (including
all those available to the caster himself).
The runes have no other magical powers.
This is an xcellent way to create really
secret documents or to simply kill an
afternoon without accomplishing anything.
Material components for this spell
include at least one potion of invisibility
(for the ink) and anything else the DM
can
sucker the player into wasting on an effect
indistinguishable from that of writing
with
an empty pen.
Wizard's Stalker (Self-Destruction)
Level: 6
Range: 1 inch
Duration: Not long
Components: V, S
CT: 1 round
ST: None
AE: Special
By casting this
spell, THE
WIZARD summons a random
Level X monster (beholder, vampire wizard,
lich, etc.), which proceeds to stalk,
with intent to kill, the nearest wizard
(note
spell level and range). The somatic component
of this spell consists of putting one?s
hands over one?s eyes. If by purest chance
the spell-caster survives this spell, no
experience points are gained (casting this
spell was stupid to begin with).
Bigby's
Interposing Eye (Astigmatic)
Level: 2
Range: 2"
Duration: 2 rnds./lvl.
Components: V, S, M
CT: 5 rounds
ST: None
AE: Special
Casting this
spell causes a disembodied and sightless
human
eye, of normal size, to interpose
itself between the spell-caster and any
attacking creature. This eye is as effective
as any normal eyeball in impeding onrushing
and enraged monsters, although it
might deter the more squeamish dungeon
denizens. The material component for this
spell is a human eye, and the magic-user
had better have one handy before casting
the spell; the ability of this dweomer
to
?improvise? can be attested by Mooncalf
the Monocular, among others.
Remove Hand
(Amputation)
Level: 4
Range: 0
Duration: Perm.
Components: V, S
CT: 1 segment
ST: None
AE: Personal
When this
spell is cast, one of THE
WIZARD's hands
(determine which randomly) drops off at
the wrist. One drawback of this spell is
the
fact that the effect is not painless. Also
note the spell duration and the fact that
the spell is not reversible.
Audible
Curse (Vociferation)
Level: 2
Range: 0
Duration: Instant
Components: V
CT: 1 segment
ST: None
AE: 10 miles
This spell
allows the caster to pronounce his or her
favorite 4-letter word with feeling and
at maximum volume. It is up to The
DM to
prevent characters from exercising this
option without casting the spell, which
will at least increase the range at which
the word will be heard (drawing any number
of interested wandering monsters, of
course).
Hallucinatory
Glamer (Affectation/Ostentation)
Level: 3
Range: Touch
Duration: 2-12 days
Components: V, S, M
CT: 1 round
ST: Neg.
AE: Creature touched
The recipient
of this spell will seem, to those with
low
intelligence or less, to be a person of
great
wealth and notoriety. The exact effects
vary with the level of the caster. At highest
levels, the recipient may appear to be
a
female entertainer who turns over cards
bearing glowing runes and points at treasure,
or a black-and-white terrier who
party-hops with his entourage of
coquettes; at lower levels, the recipient
becomes either the overly made-up wife
of
a disgraced high priest or a Democratic
presidential candidate. Monsters typically
react to this dweomer by pestering the
recipient for autographs, kidnapping him
or her for ransom, or writing nasty things
about the recipient for local tabloids.
The
material components for this spell include
a fake fur, a string of rhinestones, and
a
bottle of Grecian Formula.
Scroll
the Second
(Odod's Oracle)
Burning Mouth
(Conflagration)
Level: 1
Range: 0
Duration: Istant
Components: V, S, M
CT: 1 segment
ST: None
AE: All creatures within range (i.e., the
caster)
Similar in
some ways to burning
hands, this spell
causes 1 hp of heat or fire damage per
level of the caster, with the above limitations
on range and area of effect. The
material components for this spell are
6
jalapeno peppers, which must be eaten as
the spell is cast.
Locate Hands
(Confirmation)
Level: 2
Range: 2'/lvl.
Duration: 1 rnd/lvel.
Components: V, S
CT: 2 rounds
ST: None
AE: Special
Casting this
spell enables THE
WIZARD to find his
own hands, even in the dark. Ordinarily,
he will find them at the ends of his arms
(one each), unless remove
hand has been
previously cast. In the latter case, this
spell
could be quite useful; however, it has
a
limited range and an extensive somatic
component, either of which might compromise
its effectiveness in finding
detached hands.
Detect Object
(Cerebration)
Level: 1
Range: 0
Duration: Special
Components: V, S, M
CT: 3 segments
ST: None
AE: 1" radius/level
By means of
this spell, THE
WIZARD can detect the
PRESENCE of one or more objects within
the area of effect. The spell does not
disclose
the size, nature, or number of these
objects. It lasts as long as the magic-user
continues to concentrate. The material
component for this spell is any object
of
convenient size, which must be held just
above the tip of the spell-caster's nose
throughout the duration of the spell.
Feign
Invisibility (Delusion)
Level: 1
Range: 0
Duration: Special
Components: V, S, M
CT: 1 round
ST: Neg.
AE: Personal
Casting this
spell enables the magic-user to put on
a
really good act of being invisible. Monsters
that see the spell-caster must save vs.
spells; those who fail their saves are
convinced
that the spell-caster is in fact invisible
? but that they, for some reason, are
now able to see invisible creatures. The
effect lasts as long as THE
WIZARD concentrates
? usually only for a short while,
after which the magic-user becomes
apparent again. The material component
for this spell is an ostrich feather.
Drawmij's
Instant Death
(Extermination)
Level: 8
Range: Infinite
Duration: Instant
Components: V
CT: 8 segments
ST: None
AE: Special
When this
spell is cast, Drawmij, wherever he is
and
whoever he is, dies. He dies immediately,
without even a saving throw. As this spell
has been around for some time, it is safe
to assume that Drawmij is getting pretty
sick and tired of it.
Magick Summons
(Arraignment/Charge)
Level: 4
Range: Special
Duration: Special
Components: V, S
CT: 4 rounds
ST: None
This spell calls
into existence an extradimensional
process-server, who hands the spell-caster
a summons (for any random offense --
possibly the murder of one Drawmij) and
vanishes. If a fine of 500 gp is not paid
immediately, THE
WIZARD is teleported
to an extremely strange alternate plane
of
existence known as night court, where he
risks being sentenced to imprisonment (as
per the spell) for 1-100 years.
Scroll the
Third
(Goophus's Grimoire)
Speak With
Mud (Elocution)
Level: 1
Range: 1"/level
Duration: Special
Components: V, S
CT: 1 segment
ST: None
AE: 1" radius/level
This spell
enables the magic-user to converse with
normal, nonmagical mud. The mud hears
everything THE
WIZARD says and can
answer audibly. Unfortunately, this spell
does not endow the mud with any other
magical powers (such as intelligence),
so
its answers are generally restricted to
unedifying glugs and gurgles. The spell
duration continues until the magic-user
gets sick of the whole thing or shouts
himself hoarse in frustration.
Charm Dead
(Net-Romantic)
Level: 2
Range: 12"
Duration: Hard to tell
Components: V, M
CT: 2 segments
ST: None
AE: 1 corpse/level
This spell
causes the spell-caster to affect the dead
as
if he had an 18
charisma ? oh, what the
heck ? as if he had a 25 charisma! Either
way, the effect is the same (exactly the
same) on dead characters, monsters, animals,
and even plants. This spell does not
affect the un-dead, nor does it work in
conjunction with animate dead or speak
with dead, nor does it serve any other
useful purpose. The material component
for this spell is a drop of eau de boneyard
behind each ear.
Water
Plant (Precipitation/Inundation)
Level: 7
Range: 1"
Duration: Special
Components: V, S,
M
CT: 7 rounds
ST: None
AE:
1 small plant
Casting this
spell calls into
existence an extradimensional
watering can, which
functions as a
conduit between the
Prime Material plane
and the
dimension of elemental Water. Water
flows through the
can onto a plant at a
rate of one pint
per segment per level of
the caster (so high-level
spell-casters are
getting into trouble
already). As it happens,
Nimrod never got
around to formulating
the incantation to
dismiss the
watering can or to
stop the flow of water,
and no power short
of a wish can divert
the spout of the
can from the plant it was
summoned to water.
The material component
for this spell is
one small potted
plant, preferably
one of little value to the
caster.
Stone
Breathing (Suffocation)
Level: 6
Range: 0
Duration: 1 turn/level
Components: V, S
CT: 6 segments
ST: None
AE: Personal
This spell
endows the spell-caster
with the ability to
breathe solid stone.
Unfortunately, it also
deprives him of the
ability to breathe
anything else for
the duration of the spell.
As a result, the
spell-caster is likely to be
in trouble unless
he casts the spell while
encased in solid
stone (note, however, that
the spell has an
extensive somatic component).
It is also possible
for the spell-caster
to survive the duration
of the spell by
sucking on a pebble.
However, if this continues
for more turns than
the caster has
points of constitution,
he becomes
befuddled and disoriented
(a condition
technically referred
to as becoming
?stoned?).
Affect Shape
(Starvation)
Level: 5
Range: 0
Duration: 1 week/level
Components: S
CT: None
ST: None
AE: Personal
Throughout
the duration of this spell, THE
WIZARD
loses 2 lbs. per day (which can be dangerous,
especially for elven wizards). However,
when the spell duration is finished,
the magic-user gorges himself nonstop
until he has gained back twice as much
weight as he lost, none of which can be
lost by any means short of a wish.
Detect Normal Fires (Immolation)
Level: 1
Range: Touch
Duration: Special
Components: V, S
CT: 1 second
ST: None
AE: One fire
Casting this
spell enables THE
WIZARD to detect the
PRESENCE of normal (nonmagical) fire (note
the spell range). The somatic component
for this spell is to cover the eyes, turn
the
head, and thrust out either hand. If both
hands are full, another bodily member
may be substituted at the DM?s option.
The
verbal component (which follows the
somatic) is similar to that in audible
curse.
The effect of this spell is considerably
enhanced by coating the hand with lantern
oil prior to casting; a helpful DM will
no doubt suggest this.
Level: 4
Range: 3"
Duration: 1 turn + 1 turn/level
Components: V, S
CT: 4 segments
ST: Neg.
AE Special
This spell
creates a vertical wall of sheer diabolical
(or demoniacal) evil, 10' square per level
of
the spell-caster. Paladins
and other minions
of good who pass through this wall
must save vs. spells or feel distinctly
unwelcome. Aside from the fact that no
undead or creatures from the lower
planes can be turned by clerics separated
from them by this spell, this dweomer has
no other function.
Trans
mute Rock to Stone
(Redesignation)
Reversible
Level: 7
Range: 1 <> 1"/level
Duration: Perm.
Components: V, S
CT: 7 rounds
ST: None
AE: Special
This powerful
magic enables the spell-caster to turn
any
amount of nonmagical rock into stone.
The casting
time does not include the time
it takes to determine whether or not the
spell has taken effect, which can be considerable.
The somatic component for this
spell requires that the spell-caster pull
his
index finger out of his mouth so that his
cheek makes a popping sound, then rotate
the finger vertically in the air while
whistling
a low glissando.
Scroll the Ancient Yuletide Carol (Falalalala Lalalala)
Wall of
Missiles (Perforation)
Level: 5
Range: 1"/level
Duration: Special
Components: V, S
CT: 3 segments
ST: None
AE: Special
When this
spell is cast, a solid wall of speeding
missiles,
similar. to heavy
crossbow quarrels,
is created. The wall covers a 1? square
per
level of the spell-caster; each 1? square
contains 64 missiles, which hit for 2-7
hp
damage apiece. This spell would have been
Nimrod's greatest (in fact, only) triumph,
if
he had included some way to point the
missiles away from the spell-caster, or
to
make the spell function when there is
something between the missiles and the
spell-caster.
Minor
Globe of Iron (Conglobation -- it's a word; look it up)
Level: 1
Range: 0
Duration: Perm.
Components: V, M
CT: 1 segment
ST: None
AE: 1 globe
This spell
creates a sphere
of solid iron exactly 0.175
inches in diameter
that is perfectly round
and smooth. The material
component for
this spell is a gem
of at least 500 gp value.
The verbal component
is the second letter
of the alphabet,
repeated twice.
Monster
Invulnerability (Exacerbation)
Level: 6
Range: 3"/level
Duration: 5 rounds/level
Components: V
CT: 6 segments
ST: Special
AE: 1 monster/level
This spell
causes affected monsters to be immune to
all forms of magical and nonmagical
attacks. Monsters gain a saving throw
(whether they want it or not) equal to
their adjusted reaction roll, which is
rolled
on 1d100. To save the reader a lengthy
perusal of the Encounter
Reaction table
(Dungeon Masters Guide, page 63),
it
should be noted that this spell affects
only
actively hostile monsters and those that
cannot save vs. spells on a roll of 26
or
higher.
Fools Summoning
III (Consternation/Exasperation)
Level: 5
Range: 5"
Duration: Variable
Components: V, S
CT: 5 rounds
ST: None
AE: Special
This spell
summons three fools (i.e., NPCs with combined
intelligence,
wisdom, and charisma
scores of less than 3 -- among them).
They tag along, asking stupid question,
telling knock-knock jokes, and otherwise
making themselves obstructive and objectionable.
They are immune to all forms of
attack and will not go away until they
are
good and ready. The quickest way to get
rid of these fools may be to teach them
to
cast some of Nimrod's other spells.
Protection
From Normal Gold (Ruination)
Level: 2
Range: 0
Duration: Perm.
Components: V
CT: 2 segments
ST: None
AE: Personal
When this
spell is cast, it sets up a field of negative
energy that repels all nonmagical gold
away from the spell-caster's body to a
distance of 2" per level of the spell-caster
(the distance increases, therefore, as
the
caster advances in levels). This affects
coins, jewelry, and all other nonmagical
items containing gold (including electrum,
which is part gold). It does not affect
gold
dragons,
gold bugs, or any kind of gold
which might be capable of harming the
spell-caster, as that, obviously, would
not
be normal gold.
APRIL 1989
LETTERS
More outrages
Dear Dragon:
I am interested in sculpting my own fantasy
figures. Have you any information you can
send
me on this subject, or any idea where I
can get
information on it? Any reply would be deeply
appreciated.
One other thing. I loved the article, “Still
More
Outrages From the Mages,” in issue #144.
I have
used it a few times. Once the party was
being
chased by five minotaurs
when the spell-caster
tripped over Nimrod’s scroll, picked it
up, and
cast monster invulnerability upon the minotaurs
The party charged and couldn’t figure out
why they couldn’t hit the minotaurs. Seven
out
of the party of eight died, but amazingly
the
spell-caster was still alive. He was using
a sling,
so he cast minor globe of iron, threw the
BB,
and ran. He was almost safe when he cast
wall
of missiles (poor sod). The minotaurs had
a good
lunch.
One of my characters gave an evil spell-caster
his remove hand spell, then pulled a dagger
on
the mage. Audible curse has often been
used
when a battle is lost, and detect object
was used
by one of my dumber players.
Jon Enge
Vista CA
(Dragon #152)
We don’t have a lot of information on
how to
sculpt your own fantasy figures at the
moment,
though we might be able to get an article
on this
topic in the future.
And we loved hearing about the spells.
Maybe
we should print more of them.